Harry's Little Army of Psychos
by RuneWitchSakura
Summary: Oneshot from Ron’s POV. Ron tries to explain to the twins just how Harry made the Ministry of Magic make a new classification for magical creatures, and why the puffskeins were now considered the scariest magical creature of all time. No pairings.


For those of you who have no clue what a puffskein is, here is an excerpt from UnknowableWiki: "Puffskeins are fluffy magical creatures that are found worldwide. They are completely round and covered in soft fur the colour of custard. They have a very long, thin, pink tongue which they snake along the ground searching for food. They are scavengers that eat about anything. They emit a humming noise when they are content. Puffskeins make docile and uncomplicated pets. They are easy to care for, delight in being cuddled, and have no objection to being thrown around. However, the one fact that has made them highly popular among generations of wizarding children is that they delight in sticking their tongue into the noses of sleeping wizards to eat their bogeys."

Puffskeins get the MOM classification of XX, except of course, for this story.

And now, the story:

* * *

'**Begin**'

* * *

The Ministry of Magic has certain classifications for all manner of Magical Creatures. They were not hard to follow at all. In fact they were quite simple.

* * *

**X:** Boring

**XX:** Harmless / may be domesticated

**XXX:** Competent wizards should cope

**XXXX:** Dangerous / requires specialist knowledge / skilled wizard may handle / must be respected

**XXXXX:** Known wizard killer / impossible to train or domesticate

* * *

What Fred and George find hard to understand is why the Ministry needed a new classification. And why that classification was…well, I suppose it explains itself…

* * *

**XXXXXX:** Run dude, just run / don't stop / and definitely don't look back / just run

* * *

They also had trouble believing that the puffskeins of all animals were the only one classified as that.

"We were only gone…" Fred starts.

"…for a week. How could…" George continues.

"…Voldemort already be…"

"…dead? Why is Dumbledore…"

"…in jail? And why do…"

"…the puffskeins have such…"

"…a bad reputation now?"

I sigh. Dealing with the twins was always a chore, especially when they used double-speak. The two of them had been gone for a week, in Magical Paris I think, setting up the French version of their prank shop. I answer the one word that is actually the answer to a lot of things now.

"Harry."

"Of course," Fred and George say together.

"But that doesn't explain…" George starts this time.

"…how he did it," Fred finishes.

"He started before you left by making us all think he was crazy actually," I reply. I continue before they can say anything else, "Honestly, the guy taught puffskeins to laugh maniacally. Of course we would be concerned for his sanity."

* * *

"Me-he-he," one of the five puffskeins Harry had taken to carrying around said. I looked at it. We were in the Gryffindor Common Room, doing one of our essays at the last minute, as usual.

"Harry, it made noise," I told him.

"Hmm," Harry said, snapping out off whatever imaginary world he had been in. Daydreaming was a usual part of these last minute essay sessions of ours.

"It made a noise that wasn't purring," I repeated, pointing at the puffskein that had, well, made noise. "They aren't supposed to do that."

* * *

"Looking back," I tell Fred and George, "there are a lot of things that aren't supposed to happen that do happen around Harry."

* * *

"Oh, well let's hear it then," Harry said, looking at the puffskein expectantly.

"Me-he-he," it repeated. I would have said, "See!" but before I could do anything, Harry corrected it.

"No, it's Mwa-ha-ha," he said.

"Me-he-he," the puffskein repeated.

"Mwa-ha-ha," Harry repeated.

"Me-he-ha."

"Mwa-ha-ha."

"Mwa-he-he."

I felt extremely disturbed watching this exchange. Maybe there was some credence to those rumors of Harry's insanity.

"Mwa-ha-ha."

"Mwa-ha-he."

"Mwa-ha-ha."

"Mwa-he-ha."

"Mwa-ha-ha."

"Mwa-ha-ha."

"There you go! You've got it! Who's a good little Puffskein Army General?" Harry asked and a baby-like voice. "Yes you are. Yes you are."

"Mwa-ha-ha," the puffskein said cheerfully.

"Yep, that's right. Mwa-ha-ha. My little army of psychos. Now let's see if you can teach the rest of them." The puffskein turned to the other four puffskeins.

"Mwa-ha-ha," it said.

"Meep," one of the puffskeins managed, but the others stayed silent. The first puffskein glared at them.

"Mwa-ha-ha," it repeated.

* * *

"The other puffskeins were saying Mwa-ha-ha before the end of the night though," I say. Fred and George were looking at me funny.

"You mean Harry Potter actually taught a puffskein to laugh maniacally. You're not pulling our legs?" Fred asks.

"Nope. And I thought he was crazy then," I reply, hoping that the double-speak was over. No luck.

"And he made…" I honestly wasn't sure which twin started this time.

"…the puffskeins laugh…" Or which one continued.

"…Voldemort to death?"

"No, that part's coming up though. He called them his little army of psychos. I honestly thought that those five were the only ones in his little army – I was wrong. All five of them were only the generals."

* * *

I walked into the Room of Requirement and looked around in horror. Harry had five groups of puffskeins around him. At the head of each group, one of his original five was trying to get the others to say "Mwa-ha-ha," and for the most part is was working.

When the all the puffskeins were capable of saying it, Harry moved on. A dummy in Death Eater robes appeared.

"Now, my dear little army of psychos, this is a Death Eater. Attack!" None of the puffskeins moved. "Alright, let's work on that." He waved his wand and bogeys appeared on the Death Eater. "Attack!" The puffskeins all dog-piled (more like puff-piled) the Death Eater dummy, trying to get to their favorite treat.

I felt sick to my stomach. Then the thought that one day it would be Snape or Malfoy getting puff-piled entered my mind.

* * *

"I accepted Harry's little army of psychos right then and there," I tell the twins. They looked at each other and then agreed with me.

"That would be a sight to see," Fred says.

"Too bad we missed it," George says. I hid a smile, knowing that later that day Harry would be showing up at their store with a proposal that would allow them to see what happened.

"I actually gave him an idea for the next part."

* * *

"Hey Harry," I said later that day at dinner. "Wouldn't it be better to teach them to recognize a Death Eater before you make them attack? That way you don't have to tell them it's a Death Eater." Harry gaped at me for a few moments.

"Ron, you're a genius!" He quickly left the Great Hall. The rest of the students in the hall turned to gape in my direction.

"Weasley, a genius?" Malfoy said, laughing. "Potter must have really lost it this time!"

"I'd like to see you say that when he unleashes his little hellions I just gave him ideas for on Voldemort," I said smugly. Malfoy quickly shut up.

* * *

"Yeah, you shut him up real good," Fred says.

"Did Harry really make them recognize Death Eaters?" George asks.

"Yep. Death Eaters, Voldemort, Dumbledore, Fudge, and Minister Bones."

* * *

Harry was showing off his puffskeins to me and Hermione. Hermione was tapping her foot impatiently.

"Harry what are we doing here?" she asked, practically growling. Our NEWTs were in two weeks and she wanted to study.

"You'll see Hermione. I taught them to recognize certain people – watch." With that Harry flipped a switch. The army of puffskeins turned to watch as one of the walls rotated. A regular dummy was there. The puffskeins stayed quiet. The wall rotated again.

Another regular dummy – the puffskeins stayed quiet. The wall rotated again. Black robes and white half-skull mask.

"Death Eater!" the puffskeins shrieked. "Death Eater! Death Eater!" The wall rotated. Another normal dummy. The puffskeins quieted.

"They're Death Eater detectors?" Hermione asked in awe.

"That's not all," Harry said. The wall rotated again. The dummy looked quite a bit like Harry's description of Voldemort.

"Moldy Shorts! Moldy Shorts!" The puffskeins yelled.

"I can't get them to say Voldemort for some reason," Harry said. "But I suppose its close enough."

* * *

"You're kidding?" Fred demands.

"Nope. They really yelled out 'Moldy Shorts!'" I reply.

* * *

The wall rotated. Another normal dummy. The puffskeins quieted down again. The next to rotations of the wall produced the same thing. The next rotation brought a dummy that had a very good resemblance to Dumbledore.

"Bastard!" The puffskeins shrieked.

"Harry!" Hermione scolded. "You taught them that word!"

"Hermione, I only have them calling him a name he deserves. He forces me back to abusive relatives year after year, and I know he knows because my Hogwarts letter was addressed to 'The Cupboard Under The Stairs'. Just about every year here, I have faced some sort of trial that he could have easily prevented. I mean seriously, he protects the stone with such measly protections that three _first years_ could get through.

"And second year, if a second year genius could figure out the monster was a basilisk and two no-so-genius-like second years can figure out to ask Myrtle how she died fifty years ago, shouldn't a hundred and some odd years old genius figure it out before us?

"And third year, like hell he couldn't do anything for Sirius. He's the head of the Wizengamot, _and_ Supreme Mugwump of the International Confederation of Wizards. The only reason he didn't help Sirius is so he could send me back to the Dursleys – Sirius would have demanded I stay with him.

"And fourth year, I may not have known it then, but I've read the Tri-Wizard Tournament Rulebook since then, and if I had wanted to get out of that tournament, than I could have. He stopped me by telling me I'd lose my magic and go back to the Dursleys for good. The truth of it is, the Goblet would have taken the magic of the person who put the name in the goblet, not the person whose name was put there.

"Do I really have to go on to the other years?" Harry asked.

"That…that…that bastard!" Hermione yelled.

"Exactly," Harry told her.

"Bastard! Bastard!" the puffskeins yelled. The wall rotated again, showing a normal dummy, causing the puffskeins to quiet down.

* * *

"That's the reason Dumbledore's in prison?" George asks.

"Yep. Hermione started up a fuss with Minister Bones, and Bones ordered the arrest warrant for Albus Dumbledore – after Voldemort was dealt with anyway. Can I get on with the story now?"

* * *

The wall rotated again, showing a dummy with a great likeness to Cornelius Fudge, who had been kicked out of office last month.

"Idiot! Moron! Idiot! Idiot!" the puffskeins shrieked. Some were using 'idiot', others were using 'moron'.

Hermione gaped at them for a few seconds before laughing her head off. The wall rotated; another normal dummy. The wall rotated again. The dummy looked like Amelia Bones, the current Minister of Magic.

"Me-li Boneseys!" the puffskeins yelled out. "Me-li! Me-li!"

"I can't get them to say Amelia Bones either, but its close enough. My little army of psychos is almost complete. They can laugh maniacally, and recognize all the important people they need to recognize. Now, I just need to teach them how to attack."

* * *

"I'm starting to worry for Harry's sanity by now. Did Hermione have any objections to this?" one of the twins asks. I lose track of them far too easily; I can't tell which one it is.

"Nope. Not after the cuteness."

"Cuteness?" I still can't tell which one it is.

* * *

"Attack!" Hermione screeched. "What do you mean attack? You can't seriously be considering using them as cannon fodder!"

"Of course not," Harry told her. "I intend to use them to take out all the Death Eaters while I take out Voldemort."

"What? They'll never last even a second against the Death Eaters! What in the hell do you think…" Hermione continued ranting, but I was far more interested in Harry's sigh. He turned to the puffskeins and pointed at Hermione.

"Cuteness," he said. The puffskeins turned towards Hermione.

"Puchuu!" they yelled out. Hermione immediately stopped ranting and stars appeared in her eyes.

"So cute!"

"Bloody hell," I said in amazement.

* * *

The twins repeat my sentiment.

"I seriously started to think Harry had mental problems, but I didn't really care at the time. He was readying his little army of psychos against Voldemort and his Death Eaters – who was I to stop him?"

* * *

"Attack!" Harry said.

"Atta!" one of the puffskein generals said.

"Attack!"

"Atta!"

"Attack!"

"Attack!"

"Right, now my little army of psychos, Attack!"

"Attack!" the puffskein generals repeated. Harry waved his wand and bogeys appeared on the dummy. The puffskeins attacked.

* * *

"I ended up being dragged away by Hermione. Our first NEWTs were in two days, and she demanded I study. Apparently Harry was off the hook to train his little army of psychos. When I came back after NEWTs were over, Harry had them trained to attack Death Eaters. I'm not completely sure how he did it."

* * *

The wall rotated, showing a Death Eater dummy.

"Death Eater!" the puffskeins shrieked.

"Attack!" yelled one of the puffskein generals. The puffskeins attacked the dummy. When they finally got of the dummy, there was no change to it, save a few wrinkles in its robe.

"What good do they do if they don't cause any damage?" I asked Harry. Harry only grinned.

* * *

"Uh oh," Fred says. "Harry only grins when he's about to do something mischief-like."

"Yep," I say. "Live test subject."

"Who?" George asks.

"Snape," I answer.

* * *

Harry dragged me all the way down to the dungeon, his little army of psychos following behind us.

"Where are we going Harry?" I asked.

"You'll see," he said.

"Potter! Weasley!" I paled when I heard Professor Snape's voice. As it turned out, there was no reason to worry.

"Death Eater!" the puffskeins yelled.

"Attack!" yelled one of the generals. The puffskeins attacked Snape, who fell to the ground. Snape started laughing. I was thoroughly disappointed, until he passed out.

"What the hell?" I asked.

"The Death Eaters don't necessarily have to die, just get out of the way. The puffskeins attack them in search of bogeys. The Death Eater's will laugh as the puffskein tongue tickles them, until they're laughing so hard they can't breathe. Once that happens, they pass out. Then I just have to deal with Voldemort."

"Cool!" I said.

* * *

"But what if the Death Eater in question wasn't ticklish?" Fred asks.

"Well, Harry thought of that too. He called in Pettigrew's Life Debt."

"Damn," George says, whistling.

* * *

"Peter Tyler Pettigrew, I, Harry James Potter, demand your presence to discuss the settling of your debt." A bright light and several squeaks later, Wormtail transformed into Peter.

"H-Harry, n-nice, d-dear, H-Harry," the man stuttered.

"You will put a drop this in every Death Eater's drinks by the end of the week." Harry handed the man a large vial of pink liquid. "You will send a letter when you are done. If you are truthful in completing your task and the letter then I will release you from the debt. And Peter, I mean _every_ Death Eater – that includes you."

"B-b-but-"

"No buts, Peter. I give you my word the potion will not harm you. It's just to keep the Death Eater's from attacking me while I attack Voldemort."

"Y-yes, Harry," Peter said. He pocketed the vial, transformed back into Wormtail, and disappeared in another flash of white light.

"What potions was that?" I asked Harry.

"Tickle Me Pink. It'll make them all nice and ticklish, just in case."

* * *

"Hahahaha, finally! I was wondering when he'd use that potion. We gave it to him a few years ago." Again, I wasn't sure which twin it was.

"Ah, so it was you two that gave him that. I wasn't sure where he got it."

"And that didn't bother you?" one of the twins asks.

"If him teaching puffskeins to laugh maniacally, and to recognize and attack Death Eaters wasn't normal, maybe. But as far as I'm concerned, it's just Harry."

"So what happened next?"

"Well, Voldemort took steps to insure his immortality – horcruxes, and naturally, Harry had an answer."

* * *

"I've never heard of horcruxes before," Hermione said. I gaped at her in disbelief. Harry on the other hand, wasn't so shocked.

"Of course you haven't. They are the worst form of Dark Arts imaginable. What makes you think Hogwarts has any written record of them?"

"I'm confused," I said.

"Me too," Hermione agreed. I gaped at her again.

"Horcruxes are basically items that hold pieces of Voldemort's soul."

"He's split his soul?" I asked horrified. It was, after all, the worst thing a wizard or witch could do to themselves.

"Yep, and now we need to destroy them all."

"How many are there?" Hermione asked, no doubt preparing to make a list.

"No clue," Harry replied.

"Do you have any idea what any of them might be?" Hermione asked, after staring at him in disbelief.

"One or two," Harry answered evasively, "but that's easily remedied. Watch! _Accio Voldemort's Horcruxes!_"

"Harry, you can't seriously think that would work," Hermione said.

"Heads up!" I yell, ducking. Hermione follows. Harry remains standing and plucks an item out of the air as it flew towards him.

"Oh my god, it did work," Hermione said, as another object flying towards Harry came into view. "It worked. It worked," she kept repeating.

* * *

"He summoned them? That's it?" I'm pretty sure it was Fred asking.

"Yep. That's it. Like I said, it's just Harry." The twins shared a look that said 'Yes, well, _Just Harry_ happens to be insane'.

"Continue," George orders.

"Yes, oh great one," I say sarcastically, before continuing the story.

* * *

"Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew,' Hermione said, with every step she took. "Harry, if we survive this war, I'm killing you." The three of us were in the Chamber of Secrets. Apparently the only way Harry knew of to destroy a horcrux (of which he now had five of of Voldemort's, including Nagini – nasty snake) was with the venom of a basilisk. Luckily, we happened to have one available, even if it was already dead.

"I look forward to it," Harry said. Hermione insisted that the two of us be here when Harry destroyed the Horcruxes. Harry reluctantly allowed us to go with him. I found a familiar rock on the floor.

"Hey, look Harry," I told him, holding up the rock.

"Isn't that the rock you beaned Lockhart round the head with?"

"Yep."

"Oh goodie. A souvenir just for you." Hermione looked at as both strangely.

"You two are insane," she stated.

"Yep," Harry and I replied at the same time.

"Alright, come on, this way," said Harry, leading into the inner chamber. The basilisk was huge, and looked surprisingly well considering it had been dead for five years. Harry picked up a lone basilisk fang that was lying on the floor. "Time to see if this thing still has any venom left."

One by one, Harry stabbed the horcruxes with the fang. One by one, a screaming black mist came out of the horcruxes. Hermione and I shuddered with each scream.

"Is that it?" Hermione asked, shakily.

"Other than those five, and the diary from second year, there's only one more," Harry said, eyeing Hermione and me.

"Then why didn't it come when you summoned it?" I asked.

"Because, I already have it. I always have." Before Hermione or I could stop him, Harry stabbed the basilisk fang strait into his scar. A screaming black mist came out of the scar, but Harry was screaming too.

Fawkes appeared in a flash of flame, and cried onto the scar. Hermione and I breathed a sigh of relief. Harry still had the scar that he was famous for, except now it was from a basilisk's venom instead of Voldemort's horcrux.

* * *

"Harry is definitely a Gryffindor," Fred says.

"Hell, I don't think I'd have the guts to do that," George says. A bell rings as the store's door opens.

"Hey, Harry," I say. "I'm just about to get to the part about you, me, Hermione, and your little army of psycho's attack Voldemort and his Death Eaters."

"Oh, I rather like that part," Harry says.

"So do I."

* * *

"We're just going to walk in?" Hermione hissed. For a moment, I could have sworn she was channeling Crookshanks.

"Of course not," Harry said. "The puffskeins go first. Forward, March!" Harry ordered. The puffskeins moved inside. We followed from a safe distance.

The happiest moment of my life, so far, was when Lucius Malfoy was the first Death Eater to meet Harry's little army of psychos.

"Mwa-ha-ha," the puffskeins chanted.

"What the hell?" Lucius said.

"Death Eater!" the puffskeins shrieked.

"Attack!" yelled one of the generals. Lucius Malfoy was soon laying on the floor, covered in puffskeins, and laughing his head off. The noise attracted other Death Eaters.

Luckily, puffskeins breed a thousand times faster than rabbits, and any knowledge the parents have, is inherited by the child. There were soon thousands of puffskeins all attacking the Death Eaters.

The doors to the entrance room flew open with a loud bang that could barely be heard over the laughing of the Death Eaters that had yet to pass out.

"Moldy Shorts!" some of the puffskeins shrieked, before finding new targets. "Death Eater!"

"What the hell is going on here?" Voldemort screamed.

"My little army of psychos has successfully taken on your big army of psychos and is winning," Harry said, before grinning a grin that reminded me greatly of the most vicious Goblin. "Your turn."

* * *

"A goblin grin, really Harry?" George asks.

"Yes. I practiced with Griphook. In return he got the Gryffindor Sword. It's not like I was going to use it, and it'll go back into the Sorting Hat on its own in a few months anyway," Harry replies.

"Alright, enough. I want to hear how Harry killed Voldemort," Fred says.

"I didn't." I grin at Harry's answer.

* * *

"_Mutatio Puffskein!_" Harry cast. Hermione and I both watched in fascination as a greenish-blue light sped out of his wand and hit Voldemort in the chest before he could react. Voldemort squeaked, before morphing into a puffskein.

"Nice one, Harry," I say, staring at the red-eyed ball of black fluff that was now a Voldeskein…or was it a Puffemort? I wasn't sure.

* * *

"You transformed him into a puffskein?" Fred asks disbelievingly.

"Yep," Harry says.

"And what exactly did you do with…" For once both twins seemed to be at a loss for words.

"Puffemort?" I offer. It was my favorite of the two names for him.

"Yeah," George says.

"Oh…I gave him to Luna as a pet on the condition that she never lets it out of the cage."

"You're scary, brilliant, but scary," Fred tells Harry. I grin, remembering when I said that to Hermione.

"And why puffskeins Harry?" George asks.

"You could AK the things, and they still wouldn't die. Not to mention the cuteness factor." To prove his point, Harry pulls a puffskein out of his pocket. "Cuteness," he says, pointing at the twins.

"Puchuu!" the puffskein says.

"So cute!" Fred and George say together, with stars in their eyes. Harry pockets the puffskein, and the twins return to normal. They shake their heads, probably to clear them. "Damn, no wonder Hermione fell for that." I lost track of which twin was which again.

"Before I forget," Harry says, pulling a vial out of his pocket and handing it to one of the twins. "In this vial is a memory of the 'Final Battle With Voldemort'. Feel free to do whatever you like with it." I can't help but grin at the dumbfounded, yet happy looks on the twins faces.

"Come on, Harry," I say. "We've got to meet Hermione for lunch. I think Luna's coming, and Neville too."

"Man, we leave for a week, and we miss everything," I hear Fred say as Harry and I leave the store.

"Yeah. Next time, Lee goes to set up the international shop," George replies.

* * *

'**End**'

* * *

I've had this idea in my head for a while now. The Puchuu reference is from Excel Saga. If you've never seen it, go to Youtube and search Puchuu – there's plenty of videos there. In all actuality, I'm pretty sure this originally came from the line of thought that said 'What if Harry had an army of Puchuus?' Unable to make that believable (not that this story fairs much better in that regard), I scrapped it. Then this was born. I'm sorry if there are any mistakes. I've read over it a couple times to try and make sure I stuck to past and present tense in the right places, but I may have missed something. Anyways, read and review! Smiles!

Rune

…me-he-he…


End file.
